Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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