i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
