Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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