You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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