The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
