im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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