I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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