i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
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I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
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The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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