matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he thought i was a dude.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
