I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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