There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found puke in my bra..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.