so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
