Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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