jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Randomize
