Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
