I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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