I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
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I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
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Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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