If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize