YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
