when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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