genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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