From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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