i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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