why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
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last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I didn't notice because vodka
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And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!