Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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