I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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