Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
