I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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