I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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