I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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