I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
