he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
