This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Say something about gay babies.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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