I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
