Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
