I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
