the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
