Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
