wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
