i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
