this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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