Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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