when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
