You're so nebulous sometimes
stop calling my apartment porn island.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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