my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
