YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
