im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
