you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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