Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
