im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
