I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
