Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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