we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
