fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
