why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
