I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
